The Fear of Blinking
by Waiting-for-a-mad-man-in-221b
Summary: A year of living without Augustus Water's and Hazel Grace is sitting in her backyard daydreaming about Vaguely pedophiliac swing sets, and the the rather short infinity they shared, when he shows up.
1. Chapter 1

I lay on the grass in my backyard; it has been one full year since the passing of Augustus Waters. I look where the patches of dead grass are still left from that vaguely pedophilic swing set and wonder how high I could have gone before my lungs completely stopped being lungs. Probably not too high.

I start to get up-not a very easy process-when I hear it. I can't really describe the sound; it's definitely not something I've heard before. The only way I could try to explain would be a sort of whoosh-whir noise. But yeah, that doesn't really give you a good idea of what it sounds like.

By it I mean the blue box that started to materialize in my backyard. Honestly pre-Augustus I would have questioned a strange blue "Police Box" appearing out of thin air; post-Augustus it didn't seem to phase me. I've learnt how to spot miracles, Augustus, however short, was a miracle. This box seemed almost as miraculous.

The man who stepped out of the box, well, he was just odd.

"I feel like I'm supposed to say run." He said. He just stood there in the middle of my back yard. He looked lost. Not in the directional way, the emotional way; I guess he could have been lost in the directional way too, his box did just land in my backyard, not a very known place.

"Can't." I said. He looked at me and sighed, his shoulders drooping as he shuffled over to me.

"Yes well," he pulled out what appeared to be a pen, which he then pointed at me and hit a button that made an odd buzzing sound and a light appear. He squinted at the…device and said; "Thyroid cancer and satellites colonies in your lung can make it rather difficult to run I suppose."

"You would suppose correctly. So what's got you visiting at chez Lancaster?" He looked to his box, his face squinting up.

"Well, I'm not quite sure really. She just sort of brought me here."

"She?" He nodded.

"Yes, she's called The TARDIS. She's um-" He paused as if considering whether to tell me or not. Maybe he didn't think I'd believe him."

"Dude your box just materialized in my yard, if that didn't freak me out I don't think you have anything to worry about." He shrugged.

"She's my space ship, and also my… time machine."

I just said, "Cool."

"Cool?" He sounds like he's about to explode. "I tell you I have a space ship slash time machine and all you have to say is _cool_? What year am I in? Forgot to check the monitor; can't be any later than 2020, if you're still ill."

"You're telling me they cure cancer in 8 years?"

"Ah 2012, the year the Mayan's predicted the end of the world. Completely un-true you know; truth is their hands were cramping and honestly who else do you know that plans two thousand and eleven years into the future?"

"No one that I've ever met." He sighs again, I feel like this is going to be a recurring theme of the night. "So you're obviously from a different time; are you from a different planet too?"

"A beautiful planet called Gallifrey." Sadness fills his eyes and a weight seems to lower his shoulders even more. "She's gone now. Gone like so many others." I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. I just sit and stare. I mean it's hard not to stare at a man wearing a tweed jacket, a red bowtie, and pants that just barely miss his ankles. "So what's your name?" He finally asks.

"Hazel."

"Hazel!" He exclaims. "That is a gorgeous name, Hazel!"

"Gus used to call me Hazel Grace, even after insisting that it was just Hazel."

"Gus?"

"My uh- he died; one year ago today actually. That's kind of why I'm out here."

"I'm so sorry, Hazel."

"One of us was bound to choke; two cancer kids falling in love… I just always thought it would be me. He had been in remission for 18 months for god sakes. Sorry uh- what's your name?"

"The Doctor."

"Ok I'm just not even gonna ask." I push my hair, that had finally grown to my just past my shoulders, out of my eyes. "So why are you here anyway?"

"There's something wrong with the TARDIS, I knew it would happen but if I hadn't gone back for Rory I would have never heard the end of it from Amelia; ever met a Scot? They can be very… persuasive." I hear a sniffle and turn from where I was staring at the blue box, the TARDIS, and the burn marks that marred the bottom.

"Seems like I'm not the only one with a sobs story." I was hoping for a laugh, what I got was some kind of ugly laugh/sob. Close enough.

"Oh Hazel, if you only knew."

"How about a deal?" I suggest. "I'll tell you my sob story and you tell me yours." He looks at me scrutinizingly, and finally nods.

"Deal."

I start telling him about my Augustus Waters fetish.

"The first thing you should know about Augustus Waters is that he was a horrible driver. But you had to forgive him because it must be very difficult to drive with a prosthetic leg."

And he started telling me about the Williams', oh I'm sorry, the Ponds'" It's safe to say that his story was a little more complicated.

"Turns out Mels is their daughter, and then when I married river,"

"_Augustus Waters would buy cigarettes for a metaphorical purpose. He never lit a single one."_

"Who is River again?"

"Melody, Mels, their daughter."

"_Gus used to say that he was only a roller coaster that only went up."_

"Wait River and Melody are the same person?"

"Yes, _and_ my wife."

"_We were in Amsterdam when he told me."_

"You guys are one dysfunctional family."

"_When he told me our infinity was nearing its end." _

"We were, yeah." His breath catches a little, and he tries to cover it with a laugh. I pretend to buy it and let him continue. "I'm going to start talking what sound like a lot of nonsense, but I promise what I'm telling you is one hundred percent true."

"Dude. Time. Machine. Materializing. In. My. Yard. I can handle it."

"Fair enough. The angels came Hazel Grace." And that's when I lost it. God and if my lungs sucked at being lungs when I was breathing normally, they really sucked when I was sobbing.

"Hey, hey." The Doctor wrapped an arm around my shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

"I thought our infinity was enough, but it wasn't." I feel like my lungs are going to explode but I can't stop the tears. "I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much. Every time I see a pack of cigarettes I think of him, I think of his stupid metaphors. I can't finish The Price Of Dawn series without crying. When it snows I think of Amsterdam and what he did to get us there. I can't help but think our story ended in the middle of a sentence just like Anna's and it's not fair!" He sits there quietly and listens while I unload my tragedy onto the shoulders of a man who has so obviously gone through much worse. But I don't care because right now the reality that Augustus has been dead for a whole year is too much for me to handle. "This year felt like a millennium and a blink of an eye all at the same time."

The Doctor winces.

"Don't blink Hazel, you never want to do that. One blink and it's all over, and your best friends are gone and you can never see them again. But don't let the fear of blinking keep you from living your life, Hazel. You've been given this second chance; trust me I know all about second chances, and thirds, and fourths… I know you miss Gus, but," I scoff.

"The understatement of the century."

"_But… _I want to show you something, if that's alright?"

And that something was the universe. Ok well not the whole thing, but sitting on the ledge of the TARDIS, looking into the never-ending depths of space, I could imagine that I was seeing all of it.

"It's huge."

"Forever expanding, and as far as I know never ending. At least it seems that way, always something new to see; always planets to save. Sometimes you just can't save them though." He stalks over to me from where he was fiddling with the console. "Hazel the universe is very funny; full surprises."

"Where is this going Doc?"

"I know you miss Augustus, but I have no doubt that you'll meet him again; another life, another planet maybe, nobody knows. I think that if you are meant to be, a silly thing like death isn't going to stop you." After all the things that have happened in the last hour alone I find those words the most unbelievable. But I nod and smile and hope more than anything that they are true.

"It's late, I should probably get home." I say.

"Did you forget this was a time machine?" The idea sparks something. I almost tell myself to forget it; it will only make the pain worse, but it's already at a nine what difference would a ten make?

"I don't mean to um-ask too much or anything." I stumble out. "But I'd really like to see someone, if that's possible." He just smiles and fiddles with some knobs and then the whirring starts up.

We land in an alley next to Memorial, I walk in and the Doctor trails behind me. I realize I don't even know what room he's in. I ask the nurse at the service desk. She points me in the direction saying, "He's in room 164."

"Thank you." I say.

His parents aren't in the room, which is a relief. He's already unconscious which is probably a good thing. I don't want my last memories of him to be ones of pain and suffering. I want to remember this, how peaceful he looks as he sleeps. I roll my oxygen tank behind me and make my way to sit in the chair next to his bed. The Doctor stays outside, giving me my moment.

I push the hair out of his eyes, and cup his cheek. It's too thin and too angular and I start wishing I hadn't done this to myself.

"God damn Gus," I whisper to him even though he can't hear me. "The Doctor better be right about us finding each other again. I mean god, you're right here and I still miss you more than I can bear." I sniffle and realize I'm crying. I see the Doctor out of the corner of my eye; still what I say next is more for myself than for him. "He told me it would be a privilege to have his heart broken by me, but he was the one that broke my heart."

"Oh Hazel," He sighs, he stares blankly, like he's thinking of someone else. The Ponds I suppose. "They all break in the end."


	2. Chapter 2

Break ≠ Die.


End file.
